my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
