So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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