i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
