We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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