So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
