Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
