One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She bit a glass in half.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
