I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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