I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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