You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
