Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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