if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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