Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
