i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My legs feel like baby dolphins
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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