Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
