We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
