you traded sex for a burrito?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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