my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We have started to decorate penises.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
