Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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