How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
even my farts smell like vagina
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
