YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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