Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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