What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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