Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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