I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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