It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
