There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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