Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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