awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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