Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
