His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
