I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
please come you make the beer taste better
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
