Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh god it's open bar.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
