I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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