I hate all girls vehemently.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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