she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
