He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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