Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
