Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
