college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize