yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
