His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
