The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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