i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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