im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
