Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
