So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
