I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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