This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
