So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
