Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
