My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
