I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You've changed since you got that strap on
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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