I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
