he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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