Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
