My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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