what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this just has baby written all over it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
